Am I?
Rachel
June 26, 2017
0 Comments
Dear Diary,
It has been a while since the last time I came here to transform my feelings into words and to clear my cluttered mind.
It has not been easy for me for the past few weeks or maybe even months; I am no longer sure, maybe that is how you feel when you hit rock bottom, time does not matter to you anymore. I wish time could go faster so that everything could end soon but at the same time, I wish time could just stop at where it is right now because I do not want to find myself to be disappointed again at the end of this path that I am trying so hard to drag myself across.
What was I thinking?
People keep telling me that this is just a phase, a phase where I will be tested on my strength and endurance in life. Sooner or later, it will be over and I will be okay. But, will I ever be okay? Or will this phase ever end?
Is it really just a phase? And how long does a phase usually last? Although I have lost track of time but this phase has lasted for as long as I can remember; I am still in that phase, I could not figure out how to end it and move on. It seems that every time when I try so hard to get out of it, it will always find its way to drag me back with greater force than before.
I have lost in the battle that I have no idea on how to win. "Maybe this is not even my battle.", this thought has struck my mind a few times. If this is not my battle then whose and why am I in it? I am in a battle that is draining me mentally and the late night tears are what I get after each and every battle. The days are getting longer, the nights are getting shorter and the fear of facing the day is getting stronger. Will I ever win this battle?
One fine day, I have found something magical, magical enough to ease the pain and fear that I was having. It was magical and all of sudden, everything felt right again. It has soon become my drug without me knowing it, a drug that I am dependent on and without it, I am just that person who is in that phase. Things are getting serious when someone took away my drug and left me in despair. All the pain came pouring back like a huge wave that I could not stop; I was left there drowning in my own pain and I could not breathe. The worst thing of all, there was no one there to save me when I was suffocating.
The images of me drowning has been replaying in my head for the past few days. There are no pause button or stop button for me to reach to.
Life was kind enough to give me a short break out of the phase. I have been out of the phase for a good few days now and I start to wondering about many things including the mysterious life. As the saying goes, life is short so is it even worth it to keep fighting in this battle and end the night with tears? This may not be my happy place but will I ever find my happy place elsewhere?
Maybe it is time to put down the armor that I have been carrying around, that one armor which has been protecting me and becoming my shield whenever I needed it. But this question arises, am I giving up?
Am I?
What is the cost to walk away from a battle that you are in and to seek happiness elsewhere? I actually did find my happiness but is that really my happiness and should I risk it with everything I have right now? Should I put down my armor and walk out from the battle field and go chasing butterfly across the green field? What if that happiness is not what I thought it would be?
Question, question and more question.
To me, being happy is all that matters. I guess deep down in my heart, I have already got an answer to my questions. I would not be able to change the phase where I am in right now unless I brave myself up and make a change.
I have decided.
But at the end of the day, this question remains; Am I giving up or am I letting go of something that is not meant to be?
